Anger Management 101

Anger: [ang-ger] a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong;



I tell my patients anger is a good thing. What would happen if you were wronged and didn't end up feeling displeasure? You'd just keep getting wronged? Right? But anger is not that simple, and when people come see me with anger problems an answer that trite might get me smacked (ok probably not but you see what I'm saying).

Understanding anger and healthy ways to deal with it are important. The American Psychological Association has a great publication about anger and anger management that I think everyone with or without anger management issues would benefit from reading.

Understanding the patterns within a person that anger has created or which created the anger are also important. In Asian traditions, anger is related to an imbalanced wood element and liver problems. From a homeopathic perspective, anger can be part of a picture produced by some other disturbance or can be a disturbing element itself. Healing the body using homeopathy and or asian medicine is important- if your body systems are energetically set up to call on anger inappropriately, it would be superhumanly hard to change that with willpower alone.

Even people without a major anger problem can sometimes find themselves out of control once in a while. And for most of us its bewildering: "Where the hell did that come from?" You or your friends might ask if you snap for no reason.

When something pisses you off- like REALLY pisses you off- its time to take a moment and ask yourself why. Almost everyone reacts in ways that are out of proportion to the situation sometimes... and those are usually the times when that situation has a stick in its hand and is poking at something really raw and shitty on the inside. Which, when you think about it, is kinda great: it shows you those things that need healing. Sometimes those inner wounds are gross and gaping and full of pus and ugly to look at. Sometimes they're just broken. Almost all the time, they're things you've been neglecting/hiding from/ignoring. With a little gentleness and a lot of love (and probably a lot of time and patience with yourself too) healing can finally start. The same goes for any out-of-proportion reaction: why do those long-distance commercials always make you cry? Why are you terrified when your spouse is late coming home from work? Why does a compliment about your hair make you unbelievably happy? Why do you hate being touched? Why can't you spend time alone? Why does even the smallest exam make you anxious? These are questions worth asking...

During my Toronto trip, one of my friends helped me identify one of those things when she said: "I didn't realize punctuality was such a huge deal for you!" Meanwhile I was struggling not to rip into her because I knew very well that on the inside I was overreacting like crazy... especially because I was late too! OMG Theresa, get a GRIP!

I needed to ask myself: why exactly do I get so pissed when people are late for appointments and dates with me? Especially because punctuality is by no means a consistent theme in my life- quite the opposite actually. When my friends see me breezily show up late (sometimes extremely so) for parties, classes, events, etc, they have a hard time seeing why I'd be pissed if they're 20 minutes late for brunch. Quite often they'll get a text along the lines of: "On the streetcar. OMG so slow. Be there soon. 20 mins I hope" Truthfully: I didn't quite get it either. Especially because I have another couple double standards: 1) If you text/call and tell me how late you'll be- no problem- be as late as you'd like- I won't bat an eyelash even if two hours pass while I'm waiting (if in fact you told me you'd be two hours late). 2) If you can't get to a phone to tell me that you'll be late AND I know in advance that your cell-phone's broken/you don't have one/you're taking transit/etc then I don't mind lateness (as much). All my standards and double standards were highlighted for me a couple weeks ago when I waited to meet a group of friends for dinner who showed up 15, 20, 50, and 55 minutes late... needless to say, I was irrate and trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out how much anger was justified and how much was nutso.

There's the real problem: I don't like not knowing when someone is showing up. Especially if with a simple phonecall or text they could let me know! Its not the latenesss at all!*

Ok, so if step one is identifying the shitty raw issue, step two might be figuring out where that came from. When did I not know when someone was showing up? Plenty of times. But there was one big traumatizing experience and I think that's where this issue is stemming from: the three years of immigration during which I was told every month that my husband (now ex husband) would be coming to Canada in 30 days. That uncertainty was unbelievably painful. The waiting. The hopes. The dashed hopes. And now everytime that someone shows up more than 15 minutes late (without calling) they have to deal with 36 MONTHS worth of the rage I wish I could have directed towards an immigration official (and didn't).

Step three? Maybe it should look something like this blog entry? Express that anger in a healthy way. Allow someone to witness it. Journal and burn. I'm finding that writing about this is rather therapeutic for me.

Step four? I don't know. But I imagine that it will involve putting this realization into practice. Next time someone shows up late, I'm sure I'll get super angry again. But instead of getting wrapped up in it, perhaps I can take a step back, and watch the stormy emotions in me pass as they always eventually do.* Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha. Perhaps I can realize that my anger can be directed towards the government of Canada and not the much easier target that my friend makes. Perhaps I'll be able to do with with a bit more grace and serenity than before. Perhaps I'll manage not to glare at my dinner date/patient/hairdresser. Perhaps.

So you can see: I work on figuring out what to do with the so-called negative emotions- not just for my patients, but also for myself. All I know for sure is that they need to be recognized and honored and expressed in a healthy way. Recurrent themes need to be examined with a compassionate curiosity. I'm reading a book right now called the Power of the Five Elements that talks about transforming negative emotions into postive ones. I like that idea but I'm hesitant. Stay tuned until I finish reading the book I suppose- I just might have a step five to add.

*Ok, I do still find lateness irritating if it shows a lack of respect (ie I forgot to leave the house until 5 mins before I was supposed to meet you across town so I'm an hour late and didn't bother to call) but I think that's a pretty normal and not outrageous response. I manage not to get quite so pissy over things like I got an emergency call from work or I got stuck in transit/traffic.

**Notice I didn't say maybe I can just tell myself not to get angry. Suppressed anger leads to major health problems (more on liver qi stagnation some other time). Anger is good and healthy. Anger tells you that boundaries are being crossed. Anger is your friend. Anger is what told me that I needed some healing in the first place! AND if I can watch my anger become less and less, I can see those emotional wounds healing. I honor my anger. There are two problems with anger. The first is holding onto anger- anger needs to be acknowledged, expressed, and let go. The second is the unhealthy expression of it. Anger doesn't need to you or hurt the people around you. Anger does need to communicate. Anger also needs to make changes to the situation. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. - Maya Angelou Healthy anger*** can change relationships. Anger is one of the forces that changes the world, stands up to prejudice and injustice, and says I MATTER! The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough. - Bede Jarrett

***Rage is NOT healthy anger. Neither is bitterness which is really just anger that you didn't let go of.