Heart Shaped Drum

"I beat on my small red drum for you"

Its maybe the most romantic thing I've ever heard. Its a shame nobody's ever said it to me. I heard it the first time I watched A Constellation of Bones- one of my favorite pieces of art ever. One of my favorite experiences ever.

The human heart is the origin of all rhythm and music. Its the place we feel love the deepest. It connects. It loves. It heals. It works hard for you every moment of the day. Take a moment and say thanks to your "little ticker". Put your hand over your heart, feel your pulse. Be grateful that today you are alive, and today you have the ability to give and receive love (even if you aren't in a place where it is safe to do it just now).




Our hearts can get wounded just like any other part of us. Today I spent the morning reading about all kinds of physical illnesses that can result when our hearts are overburdened, and we know them well: palpitations, angina, heart attack... and more. But the physical is only one of the spheres that make up our health. A burdened heart can also manifest on spiritual, mental, and emotional levels before, during, or after manifestation on a physical level. Work on all of these levels are required for true healing.

In Botanical Medicine, the herbs containing cardiac glycosides and other molecules important for heart health, also tend to have mental, emotional and spiritual indications... and some in small energetic doses are even indicated for broken-heartedness.

In Traditional Asian Medicine, the heart is not only responsible for the physical task of pumping blood, but also for housing the Shen- which can be translated at the mind or the spirit. When the heart is healthy and the Shen is well housed, sleep is calm, intelligence is bright, eyes sparkle, ability to feel emotions is clear, wisdom is available, and joy is experienced. An imbalanced heart can cause anxiety, depression, mania, forgetfulness, restlessness, dullness, nightmares and insomnia. These are symptoms that we mostly ignore and suppress in our Western society, with sad results. But these are symptoms that form a picture of imbalance when read with a discerning eye- what your body needs is help to restore balance, not to have the symptoms erased.

Regaining balance is possible. Sometimes help is needed. Its holding onto balance that is impossible, and the irony is: trying to hold onto it only makes it harder! So let go. Tune into your heart. Is is asking you for help? Is it ticking merrily away? Does it beat for someone? It beats for you.

When I study illnesses from an allopathic view and memorize the pharmacologic therapies used for each. It grounds me to rethink it in naturopathic terms, and prepares me for the naturopathic modality phase of studying...

Sometimes help does come in the form of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. Though overused- I believe these drugs can in some cases be life saving. But these therapies are meant to be like ships to carry you through a dark time- eventually you reach the brighter shore- eventually you need to step off unless you want to live on a ship forever!

Like a Diamond in the Sky?

Know what's exciting? Medicine. For real this time.

Studying sucked hard went really poorly the first 1.5 days. But then, I decided to stop taking notes and just read for a while. And I remembered: I love this! Medicine is fascinating, and naturopathic medicine is my passion! This doesn't need to be a terrible experience- and suddenly its not! Its awesome! I get to spend 2 months immersing myself in whatever I think I need to learn to be a good clinician. Its a huge luxury!

Its a little tricky, because part of me does worry: "What if I don't pass NPLEX? What will be on the test?" But those thoughts always have been a recipe for disaster- when I worry about passing tests I don't do as well on them; when I am more concerned with gathering information so I can excell at my profession I do so much better. Sure I could get the study materials that everyone else will be using and ensure that I ride with the curve. But these are materials that I know (ok- its hearsy- but from reliable sources) have out-dated and even incorrect material. This isn't just an exam I'm studying for- this is information that I'm going to be using to treat people. I can't eff around with it just so I do better on a test! Right? (Right?!)

Plus, it would be completely out of character for me to read/write/learn something that I didn't believe to be true. Back in my undergrad I couldn't wrap my brain around skeletal muscle mechanics- the way it was presented just did NOT ring true for me. Luckily, it was one of my favorite professors lecturing and we had a little chat about it. He told me that was the best supported theory to date, but that other (maybe better?) theories were emerging. How exciting is that? For me, at that age, it was a revelation! Knowledge evolves! My thoughts/instincts matter! I'm allowed to disagree with the scientific (and medical) dogma, because science and medicine should never BE dogma. It should always be open to questioning and modification by anyone who can work their theories around the evidence. The only real truth is the evidence. And even evidence can be misleading if you don't understand how it came about. Suddenly, my eyes were open again to the magic and equisite beauty of science.

I was born with my eyes open to the world ready to question it all! Before I started school and learning, I remember my first revolt against untruth at 3 years old.... it started with the ever provocative: Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I could not be persuaded to compare little stars to diamonds in the sky. Nope, not in a million years. Diamonds were NOT found in the sky. To me stars in the sky looked like diamonds in a box, and that's how I'd sing it: "Twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are! Up above the world so high, like a diamond in a.. box." You could sing it "in the sky" if you like... if that's what you believe. But if I was singing it, I was singing about diamonds in a box, and I was singing with integrity!

But that independent attitude toward truth was blunted somewhat when I started studying science right up until my chat with Dr. Walker. Because unfortunately, Science has become Religion for the 21st century and its often taught as absolute. No questions asked. It saddens me for 3 reasons: 1) Because science doesn't have the spiritual answers that humans yearn for. 2) Because it undermines the unique democracy and wonder of an originally rebellious and exciting system of thought. 3) Because the world needs both science and spirituality! Sure they are separate systems, but as our knowledge grows in both these fields they converge!

Two other fields which are exciting when they converge: art and science! The are paired wherever genius is found. Beautiful music, stunning architecture, masterful surgery, fluffy omelettes, transcendental massage, inspired homeopathy, uplifting dance, in the twinkle twinkle song (I just didn't get art at the time I suppose)... and hopefully in my practice of naturopathic medicine!

For now: back to the science part.

I'll hopefully find my camera again soon and be able to post pics again. Revelstoke is freaking gorgeous this time of year- you need to see it!

Dehli 2 Dublin's Newest Fan (Right Here: Me)

Studying for NPLEX Day 1: the warm up lap

Today I studied cancers of the blood. A bit of a depressing topic actually (though don't worry- for some of them the prognosis is quite good with appropriate treatment- I just needed to put that disclaimer in for anybody who comes across this page by googling one of them- also, if you're googling your disease: STOP IT! Google can be a terrifying place! Find a healthcare provider who you trust and can talk to, and who can direct you to reputable, non-random places where you can educate yourself).

Ok. Back to cancers of the blood: you can see how awesome my focus is today. Awesome. Awe-inspiring focus. Yes. Focus....

Confession: studying hasn't been going well... at all. I started today and expected all the information to just fly into my brain and file itself appropriately, awaiting recall when I sit down to write NPLEX in 2 months. That might seem like an unreasonable expectation... except that's usually how studying goes for me: quick, easy, relatively painless.

But here's the thing (there's always a thing): I haven't thought about anything academic since finishing school in Sept 2010. And I haven't really studied for anything since finishing 3rd year (way back in April 2009!). Sure there were tests in 4th year, but nothing worth hitting the books for. And yes, I did a lot of learning during my clinical year- I'd say more than in the previous 3 years combined! However: studying for the purpose of long term retention and application is a different animal than the cram-bam-thank-you-mam style of studying I prefer for multiple choice testing. Its just different. (And I know you'd think you could just study the same way for both- you could- definitely- but I kick-ass at multiple choice tests and I study differently for them.)

So it turns out my brain is out of shape. Sure its still perfectly capable of walking around the block and up the stairs without getting out of breath. Its not terrible. But I'm training for a brain-marathon. I used to run brain-marathons every day with my thalamus tied behind my back... now I'm barely making it around the block. Its a bit depressing to look back and compare myself to my former glory. But its also inspiring: I know I can get back there- I just have to put in the time and work!

Its like that with any activity you stop doing for a while- you slowly start to suck at it. You lose your mastery.

This is the reason I'm a little scared to start skiing. I was never really a ski-master (I'm not even sure there is such a thing) but I was good enough to enjoy myself. Tomorrow is opening day at Revelstoke Mountain Resort, and I've been invited to go skiing. Even though I loved skiing back in the day, I'm not ready to gear up and head down some black diamond runs for the first time in over a decade (don't worry- green runs will be open when the snow comes down the mountain in the spring- or so they tell me). I don't know why I was sensible enough to know I'd need at least one warm-up run before heading down the hill, but it didn't occur to me at all that I'd need a warm up day (or couple days) before I get into the studying groove.

Tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow I will tackle the rest of the conditions of the blood and lymphatic systems (malaria, phlebitis, septicemia, lymphadenitis, lymphadenopathy, lymphangitis, lymphedema, anemias, elliptocytosis/ovalocytosis, hemochromatosis, polycytemia vera, secondary polycytemia, spherocytosis, multiple myeloma, alpha and beta thalassemia, glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase deficiency, sickle cell anemia, disseminated intravascular coagulation, hemophilia, Henoch-Schonlein purpura, idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura, vitamin k deficiency, Von Willebrand's disease, acidosis, alkalosis, acute intermittent porphyria, erythropoietic protoporphyria and last but not least, porphyria cutanea tarda). And tomorrow that's really got to get done, or my study schedule is going to go out the window- fast!

Tonight is also a new night, and not one dedicated to studying! (Woot!) I'm seeing Dehli 2 Dublin at the Regent... 8pm $7. I have no idea if they're good or not, but I hear good things! (Probably I could listen to their music on their website- but I prefer to be surprised!)

If they're not good, hopefully the Odds will be! I loved them in the '90s. They're playing on the CPR Holiday Train (Dec 13- Revelstoke) this year and I'm pumped about it. I always wonder if that'd be a fun venue for the artists or just terrible. It seems super cold and icy to me.

For any aspiring stalkers in Revelstoke, that's where you can find me. Please be gentle. 

PS: I also bought colorful felt-tipped pens today that will either help me focus on studying OR may alternatively help me procrastinate colorfully on the very paper I'm supposed to be taking notes on. They are cute little double-edged swords- I'll let you know how it goes... hopefully not tomorrow while I'm supposed to be studying.

Best Cracker Ever & Second Chances

My new favorite crackers are for sure Lesley Stowe's Rainforest Crisps. These crispy little babies are amazing, flavourful, and satisfy just about any craving I come up with. They're sweet, salty, nutty, crispy, and depending on the type- spicy. And pricy. I eat enough of them, that an $8 per tube habit starts to get hard on the ol' wallet (especially since money doesn't start coming in until next spring around here). Lucky for me, my sister (of the huckleberry liquor inspiration) decided there had to be a better (read: cheaper) alternative. So she searched the interwebs and compiled some recipes and did some experimenting... and made the best crackers ever. Fresh out of the oven are spicy apricot-hazelnut-cayenne and cranberry-apple-walnut-curry crackers. So Good. They're still a little pricy to make (which is nice because it helps explain why they're so pricy to buy) because they're rammed with high quality ingrediants like nuts, seeds, fruits, etc. Better than the original (because how can you beat fresh out of the oven anything- sorry Lesley). But super time consuming. They require some sitting time and two separate bakes. But if Talia is willing to make them, I am more than willing to eat them. And if Talia is willing to sell them in the Revelstoke Farmer's Market (she's thinking about it) I'll be willing to dish out some cash for them too.

A while ago someone I care(d?) about compared me to a cracker. Now, if you read the above, you'd know I'm pretty into crackers. But the context was something along the lines of you're "just a cracker" rather than "the best meal ever." Now I think I'm more of a meal than a cracker and obviously didn't take well to this analogy... even if I was being compared to the best cracker ever (see above) I like to think I'm simply much too juicy to be a cracker. But that's neither here nor there. The reason I'm pondering this, is because this cracker-calling-person is hoping I'll discount the above and various other minor transgressions in favor of a second chance.

Little sister blithely says everyone deserves a second chance. And on closer inspection, she does follow this rule herself. Me, I've never been big on second chances. Life isn't like a video game, as Eminem says, you can't press the reset button. Who's more right? Tal or Eminem? Or me?

I'm not huge into giving people second chances except in very special circumstances (like they're related to me or something- and even then it might take a few years for me to come around) but I love giving second chances to the things people discard along the way. Maybe they're vintage, maybe they're funky, maybe they're just used and old. But that's what I want! After the fire, everyone thought I'd be so happy to have all new things... not so: since then all I want are old things! My old things would be best, but since I can't have my old things, yours will do! And now I love finding treasures in thrift stores (even more) and the ones in Revelstoke are AMAZING!

My latest and greatest find is a beautiful old teacup from Germany. I'm in love with the colors. Fascinated by the concept of these eyeless birds (is this a philosophical statement? aesthetic? an accident? are these birds blind? blinking? mutants?) I adore the hand crafted nature of them, the imperfectly applied paint and the wabi-sabi-ness of it all.

This little flower makes me very happy.

Perhaps I need a little more wabi-sabi-ness in my relationships. I'm trying to be more open to all kinds of people and perhaps that should include people who use unfortunate analogies. Maybe its these things that add richness and depth (and laughter- you know how I love laughter) to a friendship.

PS. There's obviously more to the problem than just a cracker-analogy. I wouldn't consider ending a friendship over that- so don't worry friends- I'm not that hard-core-crazy.

Making Spirits Bright!

For Christmas, my sister wanted to make some fruit liquor out of some of the wild picked summer fruit that's been sitting in the freezer. A google on the internet found her the recipe (equal parts fruit and spirit and 1/4 part sugar). We've got both a beautiful indigo colored blueberry jar and a violet hued huckleberry jar doing their thing on the kitchen counter.

 Not just beautiful and delicious, these spirits will have medicinal properties. They are high in antioxidants, help with the health of blood vessels and also keep blood sugar levels in check (despite being high in sugar themselves). Yep, blueberry/huckleberry spirits are pretty handy (and did I mention delicious?) to have on hand.

Since I was with her at the liquor store while she was deciding on which vodka brand to honor with her berries, I picked up some wine to infuse. After I got home I looked on the net and found all kinds of recipes for making herb wine from scratch (how fun!) but nothing very exciting for infused wine. I picked up some cheap and cheerful Naked Grape reds (nothing I'd bring to a friends house for dinner, but decent, and uncomplicated enough to layer some more interesting herbal notes over). And once home I staked out my dried herb collection and threw together some herbs. Probably I should have mulled it over (see what I did there- heh) but I just threw together two spur of the moment mixes.

The first is a general winter tonic with burdock root, elderberries, cinnamon, wood betony, and vitex berries.

The second is a relaxing blend with rose and lavender flowers, skullcap, and milk thistle.

Talia's berries have to wait a month, but these wines should be ready to drink in a couple weeks. Wish me luck- if these turn out well, herb-infused wine might be my 2010 Christmas gift go-to.

Anger Management 101

Anger: [ang-ger] a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong;



I tell my patients anger is a good thing. What would happen if you were wronged and didn't end up feeling displeasure? You'd just keep getting wronged? Right? But anger is not that simple, and when people come see me with anger problems an answer that trite might get me smacked (ok probably not but you see what I'm saying).

Understanding anger and healthy ways to deal with it are important. The American Psychological Association has a great publication about anger and anger management that I think everyone with or without anger management issues would benefit from reading.

Understanding the patterns within a person that anger has created or which created the anger are also important. In Asian traditions, anger is related to an imbalanced wood element and liver problems. From a homeopathic perspective, anger can be part of a picture produced by some other disturbance or can be a disturbing element itself. Healing the body using homeopathy and or asian medicine is important- if your body systems are energetically set up to call on anger inappropriately, it would be superhumanly hard to change that with willpower alone.

Even people without a major anger problem can sometimes find themselves out of control once in a while. And for most of us its bewildering: "Where the hell did that come from?" You or your friends might ask if you snap for no reason.

When something pisses you off- like REALLY pisses you off- its time to take a moment and ask yourself why. Almost everyone reacts in ways that are out of proportion to the situation sometimes... and those are usually the times when that situation has a stick in its hand and is poking at something really raw and shitty on the inside. Which, when you think about it, is kinda great: it shows you those things that need healing. Sometimes those inner wounds are gross and gaping and full of pus and ugly to look at. Sometimes they're just broken. Almost all the time, they're things you've been neglecting/hiding from/ignoring. With a little gentleness and a lot of love (and probably a lot of time and patience with yourself too) healing can finally start. The same goes for any out-of-proportion reaction: why do those long-distance commercials always make you cry? Why are you terrified when your spouse is late coming home from work? Why does a compliment about your hair make you unbelievably happy? Why do you hate being touched? Why can't you spend time alone? Why does even the smallest exam make you anxious? These are questions worth asking...

During my Toronto trip, one of my friends helped me identify one of those things when she said: "I didn't realize punctuality was such a huge deal for you!" Meanwhile I was struggling not to rip into her because I knew very well that on the inside I was overreacting like crazy... especially because I was late too! OMG Theresa, get a GRIP!

I needed to ask myself: why exactly do I get so pissed when people are late for appointments and dates with me? Especially because punctuality is by no means a consistent theme in my life- quite the opposite actually. When my friends see me breezily show up late (sometimes extremely so) for parties, classes, events, etc, they have a hard time seeing why I'd be pissed if they're 20 minutes late for brunch. Quite often they'll get a text along the lines of: "On the streetcar. OMG so slow. Be there soon. 20 mins I hope" Truthfully: I didn't quite get it either. Especially because I have another couple double standards: 1) If you text/call and tell me how late you'll be- no problem- be as late as you'd like- I won't bat an eyelash even if two hours pass while I'm waiting (if in fact you told me you'd be two hours late). 2) If you can't get to a phone to tell me that you'll be late AND I know in advance that your cell-phone's broken/you don't have one/you're taking transit/etc then I don't mind lateness (as much). All my standards and double standards were highlighted for me a couple weeks ago when I waited to meet a group of friends for dinner who showed up 15, 20, 50, and 55 minutes late... needless to say, I was irrate and trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out how much anger was justified and how much was nutso.

There's the real problem: I don't like not knowing when someone is showing up. Especially if with a simple phonecall or text they could let me know! Its not the latenesss at all!*

Ok, so if step one is identifying the shitty raw issue, step two might be figuring out where that came from. When did I not know when someone was showing up? Plenty of times. But there was one big traumatizing experience and I think that's where this issue is stemming from: the three years of immigration during which I was told every month that my husband (now ex husband) would be coming to Canada in 30 days. That uncertainty was unbelievably painful. The waiting. The hopes. The dashed hopes. And now everytime that someone shows up more than 15 minutes late (without calling) they have to deal with 36 MONTHS worth of the rage I wish I could have directed towards an immigration official (and didn't).

Step three? Maybe it should look something like this blog entry? Express that anger in a healthy way. Allow someone to witness it. Journal and burn. I'm finding that writing about this is rather therapeutic for me.

Step four? I don't know. But I imagine that it will involve putting this realization into practice. Next time someone shows up late, I'm sure I'll get super angry again. But instead of getting wrapped up in it, perhaps I can take a step back, and watch the stormy emotions in me pass as they always eventually do.* Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha. Perhaps I can realize that my anger can be directed towards the government of Canada and not the much easier target that my friend makes. Perhaps I'll be able to do with with a bit more grace and serenity than before. Perhaps I'll manage not to glare at my dinner date/patient/hairdresser. Perhaps.

So you can see: I work on figuring out what to do with the so-called negative emotions- not just for my patients, but also for myself. All I know for sure is that they need to be recognized and honored and expressed in a healthy way. Recurrent themes need to be examined with a compassionate curiosity. I'm reading a book right now called the Power of the Five Elements that talks about transforming negative emotions into postive ones. I like that idea but I'm hesitant. Stay tuned until I finish reading the book I suppose- I just might have a step five to add.

*Ok, I do still find lateness irritating if it shows a lack of respect (ie I forgot to leave the house until 5 mins before I was supposed to meet you across town so I'm an hour late and didn't bother to call) but I think that's a pretty normal and not outrageous response. I manage not to get quite so pissy over things like I got an emergency call from work or I got stuck in transit/traffic.

**Notice I didn't say maybe I can just tell myself not to get angry. Suppressed anger leads to major health problems (more on liver qi stagnation some other time). Anger is good and healthy. Anger tells you that boundaries are being crossed. Anger is your friend. Anger is what told me that I needed some healing in the first place! AND if I can watch my anger become less and less, I can see those emotional wounds healing. I honor my anger. There are two problems with anger. The first is holding onto anger- anger needs to be acknowledged, expressed, and let go. The second is the unhealthy expression of it. Anger doesn't need to you or hurt the people around you. Anger does need to communicate. Anger also needs to make changes to the situation. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. - Maya Angelou Healthy anger*** can change relationships. Anger is one of the forces that changes the world, stands up to prejudice and injustice, and says I MATTER! The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn't angry enough. - Bede Jarrett

***Rage is NOT healthy anger. Neither is bitterness which is really just anger that you didn't let go of.